Never Have I Ever

Something happened this weekend that I never thought would happen. Especially for someone like me. And by that I mean, someone who has not had a much in the realm of serious relationships or relationships period. It is hard to meet people between my lack of career, lack of Hollywood body, and lack of a big town that I live in. So I have basically taken anything I can get when it comes to dating. Recently I have taken to looking online for someone to share my time with. I know most people scoff and scream "ONLINE PREDATORS!" but really, in this day and age, it is possible to meet plenty of wonderful people online.

That is what I did. I managed to find a perfectly nice guy online. He's smart and funny and likes geeky things like I do. He thinks I'm pretty and funny and fun to be around. It felt nice to talk and flirt with someone that I knew actually returned my interest. We went on our first date, and there was the awkward meet ("You're tall" was not my finest moment.) and we had dinner and then a movie. It was deliciously awkward. There was all the anticipation of really getting to know each other and see where it goes. Then it was a good six months before we had our second date. And on that second date, we had our first kiss.

I have often told myself that when it comes to guys and relationships, life is not like a Taylor Swift song, no matter how much I like her music. So I try not to think about sparks flying or fairy tales or Hollywood endings, but I've got to confess. There was nothing there when we kissed. I'm sorry, but when the thought of "How much longer is this going to go on?" enters your head when kissing someone, the interest and spark is not there.

I wasn't really sure what to do though. I mean, he was a perfectly nice guy who genuinely liked me. That doesn't happen very often. But should I continue a relationship with someone because they like me and I might never get another chance like this again? Part of me said "Yes! You never know if anyone will ever like you again, so just settle for this guy!" and the other part of me thinks "NO! You should never settle for a guy. If no other guy comes along then oh well, because you don't need a guy to fulfill your life!" And so the argument went on and on. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's came and went. He would text, and I wouldn't reply. Finally, the conversation below happened. I had to make a decision. My mother gave me advice to think about what I wanted and to make a decision on that but to never sell myself short and settle. So this is what happened:

I decided that I deserve a guy that makes my heart race and a smile break my face. (Sure there's a guy like that right now, but he is, as I said, unattainable.) If a guy doesn't do that then I shouldn't feel obligated to stay. Honestly, that is a big step for me. I just told myself that I am worth something. Take that low self-esteem!