Friday, February 14, 2014

A Playlist for the Lonely Heart

Happy Valentine's Day, my friends.

I know for some people this day is amazingly happy. For some, amazingly depressing. And for others, it's just another day. Honestly my experiences usually go back and forth between the last two, usually hovering around depressed and sad. But not this Valentine's.

This Valentine's Day, I have the pleasure of loving really liking someone. Sure, I'm not actually with this person and don't really see that happening any time soon, if ever. And, sure, I'm a little sad that I am not actually spending this special day with him, but just having his presence in my life makes me feel....something.

All that said, however, I do feel a touch melancholy. Unable to express these longing feelings can get a gal down after awhile! So I have decided to express these feelings here, a medium for all the things I just can't bring myself to say aloud.

Just like my last post, I am going to use music to express these feelings. I have this playlist of songs that make me think of this person and our non-relationship. I am going to go through this play list, song by song. In each song I want to write my favorite line or two, whichever part of the song that really speaks to me.

I hope any other lonely hearts or longing hearts out there read this and know that you are not alone in the pain you feel and the hope that guides you.

Playlist for the Lonely/Longing Hearts Club

                        1)      Colbie Caillat "Hold On"
Just look at me, look at me, I've been burning for you so long

2)      Taylor Swift “Teardrops on My Guitar”
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do.

3)      Bryan Adams “Please Forgive Me”
Please forgive me ‒ I know not what I do.
Please forgive me ‒ I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me, this pain I'm going through...
Please forgive me if I need you like I do.

4)      Samantha Barks “On My Own”
And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

5)      Rascal Flatts “What Hurts the Most”
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say (much to say)
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do, oh.

6)      Britney Spears/Glee “Everytime”
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

7)      Taylor Swift “You Belong With Me”
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time.

8)      Taylor Swift “Invisible” (This like entire song says it!)
And you just see right through me.
If you only knew me
We could be a beautiful
Instead of just invisible.

9)      Adele “Make You Feel My Love” (This one too!)
I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
But I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

10)  Trading Yesterday “Love Song Requiem”
I die each time you look away
My heart, my life, will never be the same
This love will take my everything
One breath, one touch, will be the end of me

11)  Sara Bareilles “Gravity”
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

12)  David Archuleta “Crush”
Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be?
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

13)  Taylor Swift “Fearless”
But you're just so cool
Run your hands through your hair
Absent mindedly makin' me want you

14)  Adele “One and Only”
So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

15)  Richard Marx “Right Here Waiting”
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

16)  Enya “Only Time”
Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart

17)  Christina Perri “Human”
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human

18)  Ellie Goulding “How Long Will I Love You?”
How long will I want you?
As long as you want me to
And longer by far.

19)  Adele “Hiding My Heart”
I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away

20)  Taylor Swift “Untouchable”
Untouchable like a distant diamond sky, Mmmm
I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why
I'm caught up in you, I'm caught up in you

21)  Miley Cyrus “When I Look at You”
You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that cover me
All I need, every breath that I breathe
Don't you know, you're beautiful

22)  The Script “Nothing” (Of course change her to his ^_* )
So I, dialled her number and confessed to her
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing

23)  Hey Monday “Candles”
Lost sight
Couldn't see
When it was you and me

24)  Paramore “The Only Exception”
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I have sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness.
Because none of it was ever worth the risk.
Well you are the only exception.

25)  Glee (Lea Michele) “Get it Right”
So I throw up my fist, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish, yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally someone will see how much I care

26)  A Great Big World w/ Christian Aguilera “Say Something” 
(Especially on my hopeless days)
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

27)  Whitney Houston/Glee “How Will I Know”
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bitter sweet

28)  Adele “Someone Like You” (my nightmare sometimes)
I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.

29)  Adele “Chasing Pavements”
Or should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place
Should I leave it there

30)  Fleetwood Mac/Glee “Landslide”
I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

31)  Landon Pigg “Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop”
I think that possibly, maybe I'm falling for you
Yes there's a chance that I've fallen quite hard over you.
I've seen the waters that make your eyes shine
Now I'm shining too

32)  Avril Lavigne “Innocence”
I found a place so safe, not a single tear
The first time in my life and now it's so clear
Feel calm, I belong, I'm so happy here
It's so strong and now I let myself be sincere
I wouldn't change a thing about it
This is the best feeling

Sunday, January 12, 2014

"This is a story that I have never told..."

Before we get into the main point of this blog, let me tell you a little bit about something I don't really talk to anyone about: my childhood. I'm not going to go into too much detail; a lot of it isn't my story to tell.

My parents met when they were kids. They went to the same church.. Funny how that happens. Two kids who didn’t go to the same school, didn’t really live near one another, had two very different families and somehow they met, got together, and had us kids. Weird. Like I said, they met young, married young, and had kids too young. They had my oldest brother right away, my next brother three years later, and then me 18 months later. Things were good for awhile then, just the five of us, at least from my young viewpoint (I don’t think they were as good as I remember). Then about five years later Mom gets pregnant again (my sister). Somewhere between the difficult pregnancy and the premature birth that my sister barely survived, something fractured between my parents. My little brother came 20 months after that. By then, though, that crack had grown. I don’t have nearly as many happy memories from then. They fought. A lot. And then one day, my Daddy was gone, left one day and never came home. Sure, they told us about it, and we went to see him three weekends a month, but that doesn't change that. From that moment on, my childhood changed. I had to grow up a lot faster than most. And as I have grown older, I have learned more about the circumstances. But no matter what was going on, I have never gotten over the fact that: He. Gave. Up. On. Us.

(I know this music may not be some people's cup of tea, but please listen. It's hard to really get the rest of this post without it.)


This is a story that I have never told
I gotta get this off my chest to let it go
I don’t really talk about this, like I've said. But after today (which I don’t want to go into) and this whole self-empowerment thing I’m trying, I feel like if I’m going to continue to grow as a person, then I need to confront this.

I need to take back the light inside you stole
You're a criminal, And you steal like you're a pro

My dad stole something when he left, a trust that people will always be there. And I have let that hold me back from relationships, platonic and otherwise, my entire life. I think he stole that from all of us. And then when he brought his girlfriend into our lives, he stole the remaining belief that we had in him. Every time he puts her needs and selfishness and HER family before us, he steals just a little bit more of my hope. That needs to stop. I can’t let her or him take anything else from me.

All the pain and the truth, I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused, I was broken and bruised

As I’m sure my sister can testify, I know that my childhood after he left was a lot different than most people’s. I have always been, not proud necessarily, but…it’s hard to word it. I have identified myself as someone who had to grow up and take care of my siblings and the house, etc. My friends never seemed to understand, though. I remember several fights with my friend Abby who couldn't understand why I couldn't just come over to hang out whenever. She didn't get the responsibilities that I had been given and had taken. I felt different from a lot of my peers, and I thought it made me different. Worse, maybe.

Now I'm a warrior, Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior, I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior, And you can never hurt me again
Over the years, my expectations for my relationship with my father have faltered a lot. But now, I think that I have to “grow a pair” as my brothers might say and see my father for what he is. I can’t let his apathy or his attitude get to me.

Out of the ashes, I'm burning like a fire
Last year was kind of a low point for me. But I am determined that this year is going to be better. I will be better. And I will believe I am better.

You can save your apologies, you're nothing but a liar
Every time that I think things will get better. “If she does [whatever it is he’s pissed about this time] then she can just go away, I don’t even care!” I don’t know how many times I have heard him say that about his girlfriend. But nothing ever changes. I can’t afford it, in my soul, to keep believing and then being let down. It costs me too much.

I've got shame, I've got scars, That I will never show
I'm a survivor, In more ways than you know
There are things in my past, my childhood, that I don’t think I have ever told anyone. Not my mom. Not my best friend. Not my childhood best friend. These are the pains and “scars” that I, despite this new strength I am trying to achieve, am too ashamed and too weak to ever talk about. But I’ve gone through a lot. Let’s leave it at that.

Cause all the pain and the truth, I wear like a battle wound
So ashamed, so confused, I'm not broken or bruised

Like I said, the fact that I had to grow up fast and had my dad up and leave is something that makes me who I am. I’ve always thought that maybe we, my siblings and I, were part of the reason that he left. Since my parents met and married so young, I’m not sure they were ever “in love”. Sure they love each other as only having kids together can bind you, but without kids, I’m sure things would have turned out much different for them. I used to think (maybe even still, at times) that having us kids ruined their lives. But whatever the truth may be from that doesn’t make me any less of a person than I am. I am not something that drives people away. He made his choice for him. Not for us.

'Cause now I'm a warrior, Now I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior, I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior, And you can never hurt me

I mentioned about something happening today. Let me just summarize. My brother and I, when we were younger, we collected stuffed animals like crazy. We named every one of them. We even had certain traditions when it came to new stuffed animals—you never took the tag off the animal; you had to leave it on until it came off on its own. Once that happened then it was officially adopted. To be brief, even now, those stuffed animals hold a lot of meaning and memories. Well the girlfriend got into a box of them to “clean” them (aka steal/take), and Daddy didn’t seem to care. If he knew anything about us, he would’ve known that they were important to us. He should have known. But he doesn’t know/care about those things, at least not anymore from what I can tell. Things like that are the types of things that I need to be able to let go. I’m no longer crying when stuff like that happens, but I do get quite angry. I need to not let him and her take ANYTHING from me.

There's a part of me I can't get back, A little girl grew up too fast
It may make me who I am today, but there is an innocence, a naivety, that I lost when he left. No matter how much I build my self-belief up, that part of me is gone. It was gone a long time ago. It’s time I let myself grieve for it, and then put it to rest. I don’t want to be bitter the rest of my life.

All it took was once, I'll never be the same
That one act of seeing him leave and not come back, that’s all it took to change me. Forever.

Now I'm taking back my life today, Nothing left that you can say
There’s nothing at this point that will bring back my childhood or my daddy as he was. I will take whatever relationship I can get from him, but I can’t keep putting so much energy and trust into something that is never going to be the same.

Cause you were never gonna take the blame anyway
I think one of the hardest parts is that he doesn’t see what his leaving did. I said something to him once about walking away, and all he did was tell me that I don’t need to talk about things I don’t know anything about. Except that I do know something. He left. That’s what I know, but he doesn’t own up to.

Now I'm a warrior, I've got thicker skin
I'm a warrior, I'm stronger than I've ever been
And my armor, is made of steel, you can't get in
I'm a warrior, And you can never hurt me again
My biggest problem, when it comes to family, is that I have trouble accepting that they don’t see family the way that I do. To me, nothing, NOTHING is more important than family. Not friends, not work, not hobbies, not significant others. I would lay my life down if it meant that anyone in my family would be better for it. That makes my life difficult at times, true, but I wouldn’t trade ANYTHING for anyone in my family, even my little sister and dad. Those are the main two, with my oldest brother a little bit there too, that I have trouble accepting. And I don’t mean that I can’t accept what they do for a living or whatever. I just DON’T see how they can actively hurt their family. (I’ll save my sister for some other angsty blog. That’s an issue in and of itself.) Like, how can Daddy possibly be with someone who made threatening gestures to his daughter? Or that threw a glass pitcher (full of tea) at his sister? That just baffles me. But it is something that I have to accept and move on from, for my sanity’s sake if nothing else. This is going to be an ongoing goal though.

You can never hurt me again
But this is it. (And I am not kidding myself; I know that there will be times where my will will slip, and I will get upset. But I am trying.) I am done letting my dad walking out on us define me and how I approach relationships with others. It’s done. I’m done. And God, does it feel good.

(I want to thank my sister for turning me onto this song. She actually played it for me a long time ago, but listening to it last night something just came over me. And I HAD to do this.)

Monday, January 6, 2014

Never Have I Ever

Something happened this weekend that I never thought would happen. Especially for someone like me. And by that I mean, someone who has not had a much in the realm of serious relationships or relationships period. It is hard to meet people between my lack of career, lack of Hollywood body, and lack of a big town that I live in. So I have basically taken anything I can get when it comes to dating. Recently I have taken to looking online for someone to share my time with. I know most people scoff and scream "ONLINE PREDATORS!" but really, in this day and age, it is possible to meet plenty of wonderful people online.

That is what I did. I managed to find a perfectly nice guy online. He's smart and funny and likes geeky things like I do. He thinks I'm pretty and funny and fun to be around. It felt nice to talk and flirt with someone that I knew actually returned my interest. We went on our first date, and there was the awkward meet ("You're tall" was not my finest moment.) and we had dinner and then a movie. It was deliciously awkward. There was all the anticipation of really getting to know each other and see where it goes. Then it was a good six months before we had our second date. And on that second date, we had our first kiss.

I have often told myself that when it comes to guys and relationships, life is not like a Taylor Swift song, no matter how much I like her music. So I try not to think about sparks flying or fairy tales or Hollywood endings, but I've got to confess. There was nothing there when we kissed. I'm sorry, but when the thought of "How much longer is this going to go on?" enters your head when kissing someone, the interest and spark is not there.

I wasn't really sure what to do though. I mean, he was a perfectly nice guy who genuinely liked me. That doesn't happen very often. But should I continue a relationship with someone because they like me and I might never get another chance like this again? Part of me said "Yes! You never know if anyone will ever like you again, so just settle for this guy!" and the other part of me thinks "NO! You should never settle for a guy. If no other guy comes along then oh well, because you don't need a guy to fulfill your life!" And so the argument went on and on. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's came and went. He would text, and I wouldn't reply. Finally, the conversation below happened. I had to make a decision. My mother gave me advice to think about what I wanted and to make a decision on that but to never sell myself short and settle. So this is what happened:

I decided that I deserve a guy that makes my heart race and a smile break my face. (Sure there's a guy like that right now, but he is, as I said, unattainable.) If a guy doesn't do that then I shouldn't feel obligated to stay. Honestly, that is a big step for me. I just told myself that I am worth something. Take that low self-esteem!

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

All I Want for New Year's is a Teeny-Tiny Break.

Ah. New Year's Eve. That magical point in time where the desire for something to be over surpasses, even just a little, the desire for something to begin. This time of year manages to turn most people into odd, hopeful creatures with plans and plans and more plans for their lives in the coming year. True, most of them revert to bitter, apathetic humans within the first month, but for a few bright and shining days, smiles grace the faces of the scowliest of the lot.

Now, normally I can be counted among the transformed. This year, though, there is but one small thing I want from 2014. IMPROVEMENT. I don't care about the degree of improvement. I am not expecting to become a published author or to actually get a full-time job or even get that one person to notice me. I just hope that things are not quite as bad as they were this year. That's not too much to ask, at least in my quite humble opinion. I especially hope things get better for those closest to my heart. My dad. My mom. My best friend. See I can be selfless. Surely Karma can see that. Pay it forward. Put others first. Etc. Etc. Etc. Somehow that must earn me and mine a little break. I guess we'll see.

All that said, the hopeful creature that is trying to grow in me has ideas about the dreaded "R" word that is bandied around this time of year like a ping-pong ball in a match between Forrest Gump and himself. I have three of those Resolutions things-that-shall-not-be-named. There are other things like basic guidelines I'd like to follow as the year goes and, also, things I want to do, but don't really see happening. Ok, here we go. The hopeful gremlin has won.

  • Lose weight. (Yeah, everyone says this, but I swear I'd just be happy with 5 lbs. Honestly.)
  • Write more. (Journal, blog, novel, children's stories. I don't care. My talent can only get better with practice.)
  • Budget my money better. (I even have a budget to use. I just get lazy. That needs to stop.)

  • Go somewhere new. (I don't even care if it's just a town I've never been too. I'm tired of having gone NOWHERE in my life.)
  • Learn new things. (I think my knowledge has stagnated. And it's annoying. I like knowing more than others about stuff.)
  • Dress better. (As if you didn't know, I tend to get lazy, and that includes in how I present myself to the world.)
  • Get Auereya to tradeskill level 90. (Don't ask.)
  • Be more active in social/political issues that I believe in. (I wonder if there is a movement to change TN stance on marriage equality.)
  • Stop putting myself down. (Like that's gonna happen.)
  • Watch some classic movies. (Sometimes I feel ashamed that I haven't seen certain movies.)
  • Read more. (I'd rather I'd read novels. I need to join FanFiction Anonymous. Lol. FFA)
  • Get into better hygienic habits. (That's for me to know and you to never find out.)

We'll see how I manage with that list. Most likely, the next blog post I write will be next New Year's saying that I didn't accomplish any of that.

Monday, November 18, 2013

50 Reasons That I Am (Apparently) Unlovable (In Any Way)

1) I am fat. 
2) I am ugly. 
3) I like to think I can write well, but I really can't. 
4) I am not funny. 
5) I am a pushover. 
6) I am also selfish, despite the contradiction. 
7) I get overly emotional at times. 
8) I grew up so fast that I am too mature. 
9) I'm 26 and don't even have a career. 
10) I have bad teeth. 
11) I have hair in places that women aren't really supposed to. 
12) I have trust issues. 
13) I have Daddy issues. 
14) Also, commitment issues. 
15) I can't sing (especially when I think I can). 
16) I don't exercise. 
17) I'm shy. 
18) I have low self-esteem. 
19) I have fat fingers. 
20) I don't have many friends. 
21) I am a burden on people. 
22) I'm in love with someone who barely knows I exist. 
23) I whine about the fact that I'm in love with someone who barely knows I exist. 
24) I'm messy. 
25) I procrastinate. 
26) I'm lazy. 
27) I have ugly feet. 
28) I'm poor. 
29) I'm not spontaneous at all. 
30) I'm closer to my best friend's kids than my own niece. 
31) I like to be right all the time. 
32) I'm thinking of continuing a relationship with someone I don't really like because I don't think anyone else will like me. 
33) Ive been having trouble reconciling my beliefs with my faith. 
34) I resent my dad for leaving and sometimes feel like it's was my and my siblings' fault. 
35) I think having us kids ruined my parents' lives. 
36) I may not be able to have kids and it's my own fault. 
37) I hate calling or talking to strangers (like waiters or service people). 
38) I can be a good liar when I want to be. 
39) I ruined my friendships with my high school best friends.
40) I react unfairly to my sister sometimes then regret it later. 
41) I react fairly to my sister sometimes then regret it later. 
42) I can be dense when it comes to social cues. 
43) I like board games where I can show off how smart I am. 
44) I'm competitive. 
45) I can never think of what I want to say in an argument or debate until way after it's over. 
46) I have boring hair and eyes. 
47) I can't make decisions. 
48) I don't really care about green technology. 
49) I want a fairy tale romance but I want to be treated like an equal. 
50) I made this list. 

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Walking Wounded

So I recently finished this journal that I've been keeping for a year. It was my go-to place when I was bored at work or if I had too many thoughts swirling in my head. Lately the entries have been a little one directioned. That's off topic. Anyways. So today at work I didn't have that outlet. That's where this came from:

The one in the middle is just a copy of lyrics from Taylor Swift's "Invisible".

The far left one is my version of "Ten Things I Hate About You"
I hate the way you're smarter than me
I hate your perfect, blinding smile
I hate how you can make me laugh
I hate even more when you make me cry
I hate your wayward curly hair
I hate all your funny stories and pranks
I hate how great your family seems
I hate that you can sing
I hate your geeky interests
I have your passioned views
But most of all
I hate that you don't give a thought to what you'd hate about me

The far right one is just a poem. Now let me say here that I am not a poet. I do think of myself as a writer, but I've never been good at poems. 

Walking Wounded
You may see me on the corner
Or walking down the street
No doubt you've seen my open wound
Viewed every pulse and beat

The "walking wounded" we've been called
From whispers here and there
Taking pains we claim alone
Sometimes more than we can bare

Some call us pathetic
Others call us meek
Even you may have scoffed at us
Called us losers, called us weak

There are no provisions for the likes of us
No laws, no "civil rights"
Our wounds are of a different sort
Nothing helped by arguments or fights

We walking wounded have a quiet strength
Not always seen from below or from above
But we ceaselessly fight a ruthless foe
Called Unrequited Love.

From all this, I'm sure you can tell what's been on my mind. There's someone special out there who I can't help but think about, almost constantly. It's ridiculous and frustrating and I don't want it. But there it is. All I can do is hope that one day, my wound will heal, even if it leaves a scar.

And maybe, someday, someone will find this and it will help them through what I am feeling. 


Sunday, August 12, 2012

Responsibility's a b!tch!

In case you don't know me well enough (or in some cases, lately enough), I am a teacher....well, I want to be a teacher. I have the degree and the drive and EVERYTHING, but I don't have the job. I've been trying for three years now to get a teaching job, but no luck.
Yep, that's me @ 0:15. Lol. Anyways, this blog is not about that. Not directly anyways. So, no teaching job for me. But, last semester and this upcoming year, things are a little better. I actually have a job. I am the MathLab assistant at DSCC. Fancy, huh?

My job is basically helping people with the math and software that we do in the MathLab, everything from Pre-Algebra to College Algebra. My boss is great, but she is a force of a lady. You do what you are supposed to, then you and Mrs. Daniel=cool. You act a fool in her class, then be prepared. She's not mean, she's a college professor. Something these right-out-of-high-school brats and I'm-older-than-you-so-you-can't-tell-me-what-to-do people can seem to tell the difference between. But I am getting sidetracked...again. I do that alot. (^_*)

So last semester in the MathLab, I did my share of work. Mostly what Mrs. Daniel told me to do, which is cool. The couple times I had ideas, she totally heard me out; she just followed through on them instead of letting me. Makes sense. This semester, things seem to be different already. For example, we needed a student sign-in template. Mrs. Daniel knew what she wanted and even kinda plotted it out. But she let ME design it. I was stoked (There's a word I've never used before, and hopefully never will again.)! Then we were discussing these workshops we will be having, and you know what: she's letting me run an entire one by myself!

This is where the b!tch comes in. Yes, I am glad that she trusts me to do this, but geez-louise, it takes quite a bit of prep and the thought of standing up there and doing this in front of her (not the students, mind you, becasue I've done stuff like this all summer in front of students) kinda makes me nervous. Is it wrong of me to hope nobody shows up for it? Eh, I know it is, especially since some students really need it. Oh well. I will do what thousands of teachers have done before me when the nerves are firing and the butterflies are stomach-fluttering: suck it up and go on with it!

Gee, this should be fun.......................